apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
Randomize
