If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
