She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i think i have two assholes
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
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