My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
If I make it home without being sick in this captain's hat it will be a fucking miracle.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
