I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
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