Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize
