went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
