okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
