i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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