Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I just want nice things and good sex
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
