Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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