Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Randomize
