I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
Randomize
