They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
You're cock blocking me from my own boyfriend. What kind of shit is that?
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
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