I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I think I just sharted jello shots
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