My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Randomize
