I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
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