just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Randomize
