It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
