I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
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