I'm sorry my penis didn't work
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
