I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize