Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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