My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
