who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
What drink are we having for lunch?
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
