My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Houston, we have a blender
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I greatly enjoy being related to her. Even if is it only by a penis.
Bringing families together since 1987
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
