My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
Randomize
