She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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