my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
