Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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