Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
we just ordered 30 dollars worth of french fries...whats wrong with us?
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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