shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
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