Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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