If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
