i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
