my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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