matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
one two three fourrrrnication!
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
Randomize
