You're completely useless in the revolution.
More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Randomize
