i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
pray to the hookup gods
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
