Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
