I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
Randomize
