I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
