This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
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