He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Randomize
