my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
