Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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