my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Randomize
