I swear she didn't look like that last week.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Randomize
