I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
