Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Randomize
