One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
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