The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Randomize
