I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
Last night I realized I made a dick appt 2 MONTHS IN ADVANCE!!!!....... WHO THE HELL DOES THAT!?!? LMAO!
Randomize
