He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
This should be illegal
It is
I mean more illegal... I shouldn't have this
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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