i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Randomize
