I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
lol i'm looking through my photos and there's this giant section of just dudes wearing murses
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
